I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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