is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
