people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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