went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
