My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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