Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
