guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Houston, we have a blender
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
