Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
