I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
