I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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