I want to walk on stilts...naked
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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