I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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