so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
