im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
