I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
