Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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