i just sold back the books i vomitted on
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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