Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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