i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
