I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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