i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
