what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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