hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
