Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
