No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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