I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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