he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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