eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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