Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
