i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
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