made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
