are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
PANTIES FOUND
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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