Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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