don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
