The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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