woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
