he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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