they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
