What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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