I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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