theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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