I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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