im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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