I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
