Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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