My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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