I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
