Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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