dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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