So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
