shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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