I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
