So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
