come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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