Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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