We're facebook friends in real life
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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