life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
