when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
