I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
