you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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