my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
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as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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